“IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH. He was then served with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for failing to file a Part A notification and an environmental impact statement with HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the Universe pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a “cease and desist” order on the earthly portion, pending further review by the HEPA. Upon completion of His construction permit application and environmental impact statement, God appeared before the Heavenly Environmental Protection Commission to answer unresolved questions regarding His application. When asked why He began these projects in the first place, God simply replied that He liked to be “creative.” This was not considered adequate reasoning; and God was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth, since “THE EARTH WAS VOID AND EMPTY, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP.” And God said, “LET THERE BE LIGHT.” He really should never have brought up this point, since one Commission member was very active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, stating “How was light to be made? Would it be a nuclear-powered or coal- fired generating plant? Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? Air pollution? Universal warming?” God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. No one on the Commission really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted assuming (1) there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the ball of fire, (2) a separate burning permit would be required, and (3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark at least one-half of the time. And so God agreed to “DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS, AND HE CALLED THE LIGHT ‘DAY’, AND THE DARKNESS ‘NIGHT’.” (The Commission expressed no interest with in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, God said “LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT MADE AMIDST THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS.” One ecologically radical Commission member accused Him of double-talk, but the Commission tabled action since God would be required first to apply for a “firmament” permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management), would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved, and further, insure that construction of any firmament would result in no net loss of wetlands.
The Commission asked if there would be only water and firmament, and God said “LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE GREEN HERB, AND SUCH AS MAY SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER ITS KIND, WHICH MAY HAVE SEEN ITSELF UPON THE EARTH.” The Commission agreed to this, as long as only native seeds were to be used.
About future developments, God also said “LET THE WATERS BRING FORTH THE CREEPING CREATURE HAVING LIFE, AND THE FOWL THAT MAY FLY OVER THE EARTH UNDER THE FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN.” Here again, the Commission took no formal action, since this would require approval of the Game and Fish Commission, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
It appeared that everything was in order until God said that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Commission that His timing was completely out of the question. HEPA would require a minimum of six to nine months to review the permit application and environmental impact statement, and then there would have to be a 45-day public comment period followed by public hearings. After any and all public comments were considered, it could feasibly take 12 to 18 months before a permit could be issued.
And God said, “TO HELL WITH IT!”
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by L Tecolote.