I’m sure you’ve done your fair share of wrongs in this life. But for comparison, do you remember Saul, the saint murderer? Saul would later go on to become St. Paul. Yep, that St. Paul.
Saul was essentially a Roman govt. gestapo type, who was hunting and killing the followers of Christ… the first few generations of Christians. Knowing those types, I am more than sure he enjoyed his job. Yet, he would go on to be one of God’s most favored and honored servants. So remember, God’s ability to forgive is very much superhuman. Also remember that one of Satan’s (and his foolish angel followers) favorite tactics is to accuse you. You are a monster, Malgus. God will never forgive you.
While God’s mercy does not give us license to go and do whatever we want, He sent us Jesus to pay the debt of our sins. I, too, have major lapses in my constant struggle to keep his commands. I also share in common having been in a dark place. I was in very deep trouble for a while. It took me hitting rock bottom to figure out I needed God’s help. I asked for it, and He did not disappoint.
I share your self-frustration… I tell myself every day that I will be just like Christ for the day. About an hour into my morning and I’ve already wished ill upon that slow driver in the passing lane. Blew it again. Just gotta do our best and ask for His help and try to live for Him and not ourselves.
PS trivia fact, this interaction between Jesus and Saul is mentioned in a great Rolling Stones song.